A RANT ABOUT TRYING TO QUIT A CELL-PHONE PROVIDER;
Okay, last week I think I managed to terminate service with M-Tobile*.
It's only taken me 3 months to get it accomplished, but I think I may have finally succeeded.
Here's the deal;
I had this subscription because I wanted to use one of those Sidekick** dealies for text based only service. Wanted to be able to access the web, text message buddies,get email... all that, without being stapled to a computer.
Well, the only service I could hook up with was M-Tobile*, and, of course, I had to make a 2-year, carved in stone, "we get $2million if you terminate early", commitment.
First off, they insist they have coverage for my area.(A BIG deal out here in the rural, and it was a reason I was willing to purchase their service.)
Well.
THEY LIED.
To get service on the Sidekick**, I had to either stand on top of my horse trailer,(and only on days that were windless and the sun was shining brightly, but only after the sun had passed it's zenith, and I had to be facing exactly 29 deg. NNE with my head tilted to an ascension of +5 past the horizon...), or I had to get in my truck and drive to the top of the hill, just around the bend past the big locust tree.
Not much good using the Sidekick** to scan for storms from out in the field in the combine, with these communication issues.
Contacting M-Tobile* about the problem turned out to be entirely futile...."Are you certain that you have it turned on?" "Are you certain you are logged in?" "Are you holding the device at chest level while using it?" "Did you make certain that you have the latest software?" "Did you remember to use the restroom before attempting to connect? Excessive urine in the bladder can sometimes interfere with a connection, you know." ......and so on, and so on......
So, I decided to tough it out and use it for on-the-road and at-work only activities, and it was sort of fun, but, like many gadgety things, I found I used it less and less and, ultimately, an excellent wi-fiable laptop came to replace it, and I found that an entire year had passed without using a single M-Tobile* minute.
Well, back in February, I decided to check out when my 2-year contract was up, and get moving on terminating a service that I was paying 30 bux to NOT use.
Have you EVER tried to find when your service contract with a cellular provider ends on their web-site?
You WON'T find it, I SWEAR.
I logged in, I went to my account pages, I went to my billing pages, I went to my service page....ALL that I could find was my credit card info, my cell number, what kind of contract I had,(SKUnlimited), but NOWHERE on that site could I find my service contract expiry date.
So I CALLED M-Tobile*.
(I can hear your gasps of astonishment at my audacity and I know that many of your faces are twisted in revulsion and horror....)
Yes.
I was bounced around by the "if you want this, press 1, if you want that,press 2, thank-you, please say the name of your second cousin and press in the last 4 digits of your social security number, thank you, please hold....", for roughly 20 minutes.
When I finally got a human, (who had a very thick and unintelligible Hindustani accent and who's name was Ranjeep), 5 more minutes established that I had reached the wrong kind of support, but "bleeez hould vhile I gon-nekt you do thee gorrr-ekt perrsonage"...at which point I was cut off entirely.
I tried again.
This time, I pressed NO buttons and did NOT say anything...and I was given an entirely English-speaking human,(albeit, from Zimbabwe), nearly immediately.***
(Tip in there somewhere)
She quickly and efficiently identified that my service contract did not expire until July 24, 2008, and that I could not request termination to occur until one month prior to that date.
So.
I called back in June, June 24th, to be exact, and established,(with Meghan, customer service representative), that my 2 years indeed expired on July 24th.
We established that I was requesting termination of service on that date....
well, OF COURSE, I had to explain why, and after I told her that shinnying up the side of my horse trailer wasn't really good for my degenerative spinal disease,(no, I don't, but I was getting fed up at this point), she agreed to fix it that my service ended on July 24, 2008 and that I would receive one final bill,(since I also canceled the auto-withdrawal from my card), for the remaining month of service.
GUESS WHAT.
Meghan LIED.
In July, I received a paper bill demanding that I pay up the PAST DUE amount for the past month,(which was supposed to have been debited before canceling auto-withdrawal), and that I also owed them for another month too.
So I called them back.
This time, I spoke with a woman named Keisha.
We went through the whole bill issue, she explained that "Meghan must have cancelled the auto-withdrawal BEFORE the billing cycle", that I could settle the bill completely with a credit card payment over the phone,(which we did), and that,"Thank you for your payment, you should now watch the mail for your final bill.
DEAD SILENCE
"What do you mean, FINAL BILL???" I thought this WAS my final bill!"
"Oh no, you will still receive one more bill for your remaining service coverage."
"But my service was cancelled, FOR THE DATE THE CONTRACT EXPIRED, I don't owe you folks anything."
"Oh, I am sorry, but you are incorrect. Your service contract expiry date was July 21st, but you had it cancelled on July the 24th."
More Dead Silence,Broken Only by the Sound of my Molars Fracturing
"But Meghan, AND the English speaking person from Zimbabwe that I spoke to in February TOLD ME IT WAS JULY TWENTY FOURTH!!! ACK!!!!! "
(BIG deep breath.)
"Okay, HOW MUCH will I owe you for those 3 days of SERVICE THAT I DID NOT USE AT ALL?"
"Just a moment while I access your records, please hold."
(horribly repetitive and static-y pseudo-jazz crap plays over telephone)
"Okay, I have that info for you now...it will be $4.62. I will send you a bill for that and, since you have already paid your balance now via credit card, I will make certain that your credit rating is not effected by late charges, nor will a collection agent be assigned to your case."
(???!!!???)
"Umm...... how about I just pay that $4 and sixty-2 cents now with the same card?"
"Well, certainly, you can do that. Can you please give me your card number?"
(The crackle of my scalp spontaneously bursting into flames is heard.)
Now.
I am at the waiting stage.
I insisted to Keisha that I will not receive any more bills, but that I WILL receive a receipt and a service termination notice.
That there will be NO collection agents arriving at my door in September, and, if they do, it will be pointless, because I am moving to Rhodesia second week in August for my degenerative spinal disease therapy.
If I DO get a bill......
I am going down to the local NRA outfit and buying a rocket launcher and 3 rounds of ammo for it.
*Name changed to protect me from being sued-if you can't figure out whom that represents, you are stupid and should not be reading this blog, because I'll just laugh at, and make fun of you.
**Name not changed because it probly doesn't matter.
*** I am not particularly ethnocentric about language,particularly.... except for when I am trying to conduct business within a primarily English-speaking country and when said business involves money in any way. I also don't hear all that well, especially when the connection is weird and static-y, so, without meaning anything negative about Ranjeep, I really NEED to have somebody who can do TELECOMMUNICATIONS BUSINESS in a language format that I can understand.
