BRUTAL.

And I plan to become more so, if time allows.....

I am driving to work, stop at a crosswalk. I see a man, with a weimaraner,(sp?), puppy on a RETRACTABLE lead, with this funny, lumpy collar, start to step into the crosswalk...and the puppy, with typical puppy exuberance, bounces into the street, the retractable offering,really, no rapid control of that dog's egress from the curb.

The man, clearly PISSED,turns red as a beet, starts yelling and pulls a box out of his pocket and aims it at the puppy... starts pushing this button, like over and over as the puppy yelps and drops to the ground and thrashes. I'm like, "WHATTHEFRUCK!! He's got a shock collar and he's like TAZING the snot out of the puppy!" I can't help myself, I lean on the horn, then I slam into park and jump out of the truck and go snatch the box out of the bastards hand. He starts to yell and I just look him dead in the face, drop the box to the ground, grind- stomp it and then kick the smithereens into the sewer drain.

3 People applaud, somebody else gives me a horn beep, one guy leans out his car window and shouts, "Now just kill the motherfucker and save the poor doggy!"

Motherfucker looks at me, pats the puppy on the head and slinks off down the sidewalk.

I can't believe they still sell these things.

At least, not without requiring a license and a 4-step personality test of the purchaser....

the Ohio State Fair....

.....is NOT a place that you will find me, not ever ever ever again.

Nope.

.....that greasy pit of swine-land ohio, funnel caking it's way through the sweaty haze of August...

I'd rather walk barefoot,(with paper-cuts between my toes), on the sticky floor of a chili cook-off porta potty than to attend this event again.

It's bad enough that I have to drive past it,(sort of- it's more an experiment in how much not driving one actually does between the 8 strategically placed rent-a-cops stopping hundreds of motorists for 12 minutes and 43 seconds in order for a gaggle of 7 pedestrians to cross from the "5 $$ ALL DAY!!" front yard parking opposite the fair entrance and then have that kid in the stroller have to go and drop its sucker in the middle of the street and the rear wheel comes off and the kid hangs over the side and starts SCREAMINGandthenthebedraggledladybooststhekidonherhipandleavesthestroller just SITTING there....), I get to see the herds of carb-glazed and inadequately-clothed obese staggering across the pavement each weekend that the Fair is open. And it's downright scary in there, amidst the human miasma, the carnies, and the bins of multi-species excrement parked along the rail embankment to the west,(and upwind), side of the grounds.

I know all this to be true because I USED to show horses there every year.

Fact; If you stand near a carnival ride long enough, you will see a carnie fix it, or make an adjustment to it, by wacking some part of it with a hammer.

Fact; It sometimes gets hot and stressful enough that animals being shown faint. You haven't LIVED until you've seen a 9-year-old 4-H girls pig fall down in a swoon in the show-ring.... the ensuing chaos was actually the one thing at the fair that made the price of admission worthwhile.

Fact; They really ARE deep frying PRETTY MUCH ANYTHING in there, and selling it as edible.

Snickers bars. Oreos. Cheesecake. Pickles,(you'vegottbefruckingkiddingme).

And I'm pretty darn sure that most of them are using lard...... fair-season aged lard..........

Fact; And then there's "Get it on a STICK!", an advert cry that implies there is virtue to that concept somehow.

There are people who think the tractor pull actually has value in some way. The fair generates upwards of 800 tons of refuse during the 12 days it is open. It's really stinking hot. The people behave rudely,trampling and shoving. And stealing. HotStickyCrankyWailing children get separated from their parents(...which may actually be a strategy).... Raccoons, rats, cats, and opossums,(abnormally large ones), cruise the garbage after dusk.........

Don't get me started on the abuse and suffering that many of the animals being shown are subjected to in order to produce a State fair champion.

I'm lactose intolerant...so I don't really miss the Butter Cow.

(The dairy building is just a bad idea anyway, if you are lactose intolerant and trying to show a string of horses that day and the only restroom within a 2-minute sprint has had a 7-year-old clog the thing into flood-stage by attempting to flush a sugar-dusted elephant ear and a cup of french fries down there. )

If just watching them cross the street turns me off to "the horde", I can't imagine ever again going in amongst them.

And remember...... there's always, "GET IT ON A STICK!!"

Lazy Swinewhore.

Yes.

I was a lazy swinewhore again.

DonchyajustHATEme?

What can I say, springsummer on a farm.

But the good news....

I've been just STORING it up.

ALL of it.

Soon to be yours.