I have had several requests for information regarding last November's "The Great Leonid Meteor Shower and Road Trip Debacle a la' Dogmeat", as I was heard to be muttering threatening remarks regarding bite-marks upon a certain individual,(who's name was indeed changed to keep me out of jail...), and something to do with "detail the entire damn truck with a toothbrush, a kleenex, and his tongue."
People got curious, began clamoring for details......
So here it is, IN BOLD, via the series of emails,(chronologically, this time, for your reading ease and pleasure), that got exchanged over the deal, and, as I may have mentioned, names have been changed so I have absolute deniability going for me.
As in, "Dogmeat Who?" :
On Nov 16, 2009, at 10:58 AM, "Dogmeat" wrote:
Subject: Re: WHERE......
....around Marietta will I find a very dark and wide sky angle night sky view?
Meteor shower tonight/Tuesday morning and I am trying to figure out where I can get in the state that won't be cloudy- Marietta,(and the southeast corner), has a reasonable forecast but I have NO fracking idea where I would go once I get to Marietta if I come down 77 from up here.
DAMN I hope you get this today.
I was kind of going to ask you about it Saturday but you were off and away.
rats.
IF you get this, please provide MAP.
As in, where a sort of flat,DARK, not very obstructed sky-view might be in that area.
I figure you know, Mr. River.
Shoot, if I can get down there, we could even meet up.
GOT PHONE NUMBER?
me- 614-godamit
dammit.
stankass cloudycrap..
damn am I sleep deprived.
LAYTERZ
I hope.
On Nov 19, 2009, at 10:50 AM, TD wrote:
Re:Yes, I Suck
Just checked my email. Well, I hope you found a nice spot and was not the victim of a ritual killing.(there are some strange ones down that way) Sorry for the response delay(see email subject).
-TD
Sent from my iPhone
On Nov 20, at 1:19 PM, Dogmeat Wrote:
To: TD
Subject: Re: Yes, I suck
Yes, you do.
I sorta figured you wouldn't see it.
The only near victim of ritual killing was Russel.
I let him ride shotgun....he was SUPPOSED to be in charge of regional mapping....
We wound up nearly getting "pigged" by the sheriff in Macksville/Dexterville,(or whatever the fruck it's called), because we probably looked very suspicious hunched over Russel's laptop in my truck pulled up at an abandoned gas station.*
Fortunately, I noticed him pulling up around a corner and trying to get backed around to come back and hassle us, so I pulled out and back-tracked to the point that the Fife met us coming back the opposite way- he was just racing by and I doubt he realized it was us he was passing. Figure there are about a bajillion beat up pup-trucks out there....
So anyway, since Russel decided to park his Tim Horton's on the floor on that little hump between "foot-wells", when I cornered kind of tight and fast to dodge the cops,I wound up with a sock full of coffee when it careened into my side of that hump when the whole deal tipped over.
So now I know that:
-Russel is incapable of following directions,(as in, "Get proper maps downloaded, Russel.")
-Russel is incapable of reading a map,(as in, "Where the fruck are we now, Russel? Well, if you don't know, WHY did you tell me to make the exit here???")
-Russel has no common sense,(as in, "Whythefuckdiditoccurtoyoutobalencethecoffeewhereitwouldrollintomyfeet??!!??")
-Russel claims to be car-sick when he is afraid that the driver will kill him outright unless he engages a sympathy ploy,(as in, "I am going to fucking kill you now! If I end up in jail with coffee-soaked socks because you told me to get off at A TOTALLY WRONG exit onto 821, my only remorse will be that I didn't have time to get your corpse out of my truck before I get pulled over! Where the FRUCK is this godforsaken rockslide Deliverance Ditch taking us anyway?? There aren't even any roadsigns now! Whaddyamean, carsick??? You puke in this truck and the coffee spill will seem like Disneyland......")
-Russel does not have enough sense to shut up when he needs to, (as in, "So, Dogmeat, I have a question; " "Shut up Russel, or I will go back to my plans to kill you and dump your body outside Marietta."
-Marietta looks like shit in the dark. 821 is the Highway to Hell. Dexterville's largest business is called "The Adult Store". Devola, although present on maps, cannot actually be found on this dimensional plane.
ANYWAY.
After 5 hours of driving, never did get a decent clear sky.
What clear sky there had been was quickly filled in by the troughy frontal debris moving faster across the region than they had predicted.
I would have had to go past Pittsburgh or Wheeling to find anything clear.
My one consolation is that the meteor "storm" left N.America pretty lame, as far as activity, it was mostly in Mongolia.
Okay.
Other consolation;
Russel will be cleaning the floor of my truck with a toothbrush next week.
I might make him chip in for gasoline too, since his interesting travel "strategy" probably took us 40 miles out of our route.
hmmph.
I may have to put this in my blog.
should I change HIS,(we know who we are talking about...), name, d'ya think?
If only to protect me from legal consequences, should they indeed find his body floating in the river???
seeya
DogMeatHellDriverCoffeeSox
p.s.
*insert demonic laughter here*
