Yes, I did lose interest for a while....

...just as I predicted might happen.

I faded into the apathy that is typical of most of this america.

And then I went on vacation.

Blame it on the lack of diapers in the Walmart parking lot.

Or the sense that, like Gene Hackman, I too will age.

And that I haven't yet made nearly as much money as he has.

But Mr. Obama hasn't made any powerful remarks about his policy on global warming... so somebody has to get busy and convince Al Gore that we still have to SAVE THE WORLD.

After all, baling out the Auto Industry won't matter much if Michigan is entirely under water.

Stay tuned....I think I found an extra box of Cheezits somewhere around here, and we need to talk about Amish people buying Pringles.

 

September Now...Time for the Summer Death Toll

....a'la The Dog Meat, of course.

Snakes; 6 this season. The dog is a snake killer of the first order. 3 garter snakes, 1 red rat-snake, and something so badly mangled that I couldn't tell what it was exactly, except that I was a little worried that it might be a copperhead because we do get them over here.

Frogs; 5. I think the number is lower this year because it's been really dry,(as in HORRIBLY so), and she just may be eradicating the population that has any interest in my back yard.

Toads; None. Not for lack of trying, but she spat it out when it did that pee-ing thing that they do. Shook her head and spat her mouth and rolled her tongue around for several minutes until I could catch her to rinse out her mouth. Thank goodness that we don't have those Australian toads over here.

Turtles; One. She managed to grab it by the head before it pulled it in. A Very Ugly Incident.

Chipmunks; 4. This is one of the fastest dogs I've ever seen.

Red Squirrels,(those little fast ones, not the larger fox squirrel); 2. First one made the mistake of running about 5 feet up the tree trunk and then turning to "bark" at her, she's perfectly capable of jumping that high...and proved it to the squirrel. Second one trapped itself in the corner of the yard fence. At least a terrier killing is fast and merciful....

Groundhogs; Only 1, a baby groundhog this year. The mother groundhogs have figured out a better strategy for den location.

Raccoons;One. Foolish thing thought it would be a good idea to get into the bird feeder one night....terriers also kill well in the dark.

Opossum; None. It totally freeked her out when the the thing fell off the fence and lay there hissing at her. She stopped dead and sniffed the air and stared at it like it was insane. It left the yard quickly and we've not seen signs of it since...so she gets points for an "intimidation", anyways....

Skunks; NONE. IF I SMELL A SKUNK, THE DOGS DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. NOT EVER.

Boat-tailed grackle; 1. Similar story to that of the yard-trapped squirrel above.

Cardinals;1 adult, 2 fledgelings. Jumping 5 feet at the squirrel was NOT a fluke, she does it all the time.

Moles,shrews,gophers,mice; Numbers really too high to count and I am sure she kills some that I don't even know about when we are out in the field.
Bet there were a couple of other killings, as well, that I am unaware of. No rats around here, or I am sure there would be many added to this list.

Bees/Wasps/Bumblebees; Several. And I really wish she'd stop that, as her nose swells up and we have to take benedryl.


Still a couple weeks left to the OFFICIAL summer.... but I tend to start the  autumn tally with the beginning of September, as the weather up here is already changing toward fall.

Note;

The Dog Meat is a TERRIER dog. They are bred to do that. They are STONE COLD KILLERS, and that's the way it is....for all you people who think, "Oh they're just so cute! I think I'll buy one for my 3 year old!", DON'T. These dogs are pugnacious in nature and have a bite pressure of, like, 500,000 pounds per square inch. If Toddler-Boy decides to grab Rover-Rat-killer and squeeze his neck, said Rover-Rat-Killer will, in all likelihood, bite him.

Honestly, if somebody 5 times my size grabbed me by the neck and squeezed, I'd be trying to bite too. Considering temperament, when entering a relationship, (whether it be human-to-human, or human-to-dog, what have you...), is just a good idea.

GUESS Who Got a Bill Today From M-Tobile*?

....for...get this, A DOLLAR!

That's right....moi'.

Like.

You gottabefruckin'kiddingme.

Called them.

Spoke to...GET THIS, an American who speaks intelligibly and..... in English!

"Okay. WHY do I have a bill for A DOLLAR???!!?? The last customer service rep assured me that I was DONE, that the $4 was IT."

"Well, she should have had you pay $5."

*Silence so deafening that Travis,(customer service rep), can hear my neurons clattering and grinding in an effort to regain a foothold in the real world*

"WHAT do you mean, five dollars?"

"Well, she had you pay $4, when it was really supposed to be the amount of $5. I don't really understand why she did that."

"I do. It's called cheapass petty vengeance and malignant mischief."

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing. HOW do we fix this because it's totally ree-dick-yu-lous and the remaining balence I owe is ENTIRELY you guys' fault. I have a rocket launcher and 3 NRA-issue hand grenades over here, and I promise you that I am telling EVERYBODY I KNOW about this whole problem with M-Tobile*!!!!"

"I can take off the dollar for you right now, you won't owe us anything....rocket launcher?!?"

"I'm sorry, you must have mis-heard me. I am used to speaking to persons from Rhodesia and Bombay when I contact M-Tobile*, and I was doing what's called "compensatory pronunciation"....... so you'll take that dollar off there RIGHT NOW, and I won't have to deal with bad credit or ever ever ever receive some bogus bill from you ever ever again?"

"That's right, and then we will part company without any problems."

*the silence of mulling things over*

"Arright. Let's do that. I need a RECEIPT and a piece of paper that verifies that my contract is terminated."

*dead silence from the other end*

"ummmmm, I don't know if we can do that. I know that you won't get another bill from us...."

"Right, that's what the LAST person said. She also left me with a DOLLAR hanging on my account and now you,Travis, innocent bystander, are dealing with my wrath. If you can generate a BILL, you can generate a RECEIPT."

"Can you go online? Access your account...."

"I DON'T HAVE AN ACCOUNT ANY LONGER, RIGHT??!!????!!!!"

.

.

.

.

.

"No, I guess you don't. Well, I'll try to get a receipt sent. Here is my CS representative ID number, just in case you do get another bill."

"Can I have your address and description if I need to hunt you down?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"Nothing. My translator broke into Rhodesian there for a minute and it sounded very much like I said I would hunt you down. I was saying "Thank you for the info".

"Okay, well the dollar is off there and you no longer have a contract with us.....I hope your weekend is a brighter one now."

*sizzlesizzlesizzlesizzle*

uh huh.

We'll see.

Tune in one month from now, I'll let ya know.

 

*Name changed so I don't get sued and so people can't tell it was me who did it if, a month from now, a gaping hole appears in the pavement where the ACTUAL cellular carrier used to be.

So Sue Me......

....I just haven't FELT LIKE IT.

Stankin' hot, droughty, but with that muggy haze we get across the corn-fields up here when there's no breeze, tang of dust stuck to my sweat and in my nose, black lines of grit in my elbows and at the edges of my hair after a day on the field or in the paddock fixing fence that has sagged because the dirt and the wood itself is so dry that the nails don't hold as well and the posts begin to sag.

And Tuesday, a sweat-bee,(one of those microscopic shiny little wasps, not a yellow jacket), decided to fly into my nose and sting the inside of my nostril before I succeeded in snorting it back outta there.

MAN,DID THAT EVER HURT!!!!

I had tears running out my eyes,(creating streaks in the dust-cake that was my face), I could tell the inside of my nose was swelling up, there was this burny-itchy pain running up the inside of my sinus on that side.

I was honestly worried there, for a minute, that I could get sweat-bee brain or something.

Or start sounding like I needed an adenoidectomy all over again. 

I sort of started running around in little circles, clutching my now-runny nose shut, going "Owng! OWNG OWNG OWNG owng OWNG!!!!!!" until I decided that the running might accelerate the journey of sweat-bee toxin to my brain....and it had SUCH a short distance to travel in the first place.

Mind you, I was NOT panic-ing.

There is NO defense against sweat-bees.

Not really.

You can try that Deep Woods ON!* bug repellant.

But if you are sweaty enough that you attract the sweat-bees, the bug spray won't stick for very long.

And I think they kinda like it.

They aren't flies or mosquitoes.....so they don't have the same sensibilities as the biting flies do.

And they're quite small and very fast....sneeky little boogers who sidle into your elbow space, just waiting for you to bend your arm so they can give you a taste of THE STING.

They like that space just to the back of your armpit too...or the edge of your shirt sleeve.....any place they can pretend to feel all threatened so they can zap you without an instant's warning.

I imagine they think it's funny....

If you even think you will keep them off of you....you'll never ever get anything done, as it requires both hands and an intense amount of concentrated vigilance.

And maybe even a mirror to make sure they aren't homing in on the back of your neck or edging under your shorts to have a handy excuse to zap your thigh.

You can wreck a tractor, trying to brush the sweat-bees off your arms without getting stung.......

Sufficient benadryl and just plain ignoring my discomfort has me adequately recovered from my killersweatbee nose. My adenoids did NOT grow back, my frontal cortex seems as sharp as it did before the bee attack,(I know, I know), and I don't think I have developed a sudden instinct for licking the sweat off the back of anybody's knees.

But I AM working on a system for duct-taping my sleeves to my neck and arms and wearing a mosquito screen mask out to the pasture.

(Which may, or may not, frighten the horses...we'll hafto see.)

No panic here.

Nuh UHH!!!

*Name changed again to prevent me being sued, because those people will SWEAR their product keeps away the sweat-bees and we know better.

 

 

LOOKOUT!!! I have a Toaster Oven!

....and I'm not afraid to use it!!!!

Which may be a drawback.

One can't help but notice that there aren't that many healthy food choices that go into a toaster oven.

And even the ones that are listed as potentially healthy for you are LOADED WITH CARBS.

I mean.

Salads just don't stand up to the harsh that is the temperament of a toaster oven. 

I don't think you can do much with a nice lean fillet mignon in there, either.

I believe that an omelet attempt would kill the thing outright......

What you DO find recommended for cooking in a toaster oven are items like:

MOST POPULAR, so 

item #1= The Bagel.

Bagels and toaster ovens were meant for each other.

Even if you can't slice that puppy into two even halves, the rack will allow you to toast it to having a crispy, butter melting, raisinblueberrycinnamonpoppyseedonionryewholewheat...whateverflavourmakesyouhappy, object that can hold a decent slather of creme cheeze,(if you are so inclined-I'm not), no matter HOW ragged you may have gotten the thing with your early morning, bleary-eyed, NoCoffeeYet coordination issues.

item #2= The "hot pocket".

I don't care how skewed the advertising is toward LeanCuisine* and HeathyChoice*.... there is NO WAY that these things are good for you.

The cheeze has to be artificial, the meat is obviously filled with nitrites, and I am sure they have found a way to combine high fructose corn syrup and SALT to produce that goo that is in there and seems to be responsible for the weird addictive properties that the things have.

Some people ALWAYS seem to be toasting up a "hot pocket". And if they can't find a toaster oven, they nuke them.

item #3= The Toaster Pastry.

I.E. Pop Tart.

I don't even need to say anything else about this item.

item #4= The Personal Pizza.

We will just go with convenience and include the Single Slice in this list item.

And the word "pizza" eliminates any further need to expound upon health merits of this item. THERE ARE NONE.

item #5= Fish Sticks.

Okay. Not a LOT of carbs.

But you absolutely MUST put catsup on them to be able to swallow them, so you will be making sure there is plenty of high fructose corn syrup in there which negates the low carb virtue that fish sticks may have had at some point.

And, c'mon. 

They're called FISH STICKS, for crying out loud.

I could continue to list items ALL DAY....but they are, essentially, just variations on the Big Five up there.

Cheeze sticks are fish sticks in drag, eggrolls, pizza rolls, xxxrolls are all just, well, roll versions of a hot pocket, french bread pizza and the other 187,000 variations are just PIZZA.... and anything that has sugar on it is a pop tart.

The only thing that stands relatively un-copied,( at least with any success), is The Bagel.

People have tried....and failed. Miserably.

So, "Why", you are asking, "does this humble writer, who has done nothing but decry the health hazard that is the Toaster Oven, have one?!?"

I like bagels.

*I think, if I run the words together, they won't recognize their names being used in this way if they are googlesearching, so maybe they won't sue me if there aren't any nitrites in there after all. But I bet there are, and plenty of them, too.

Quitting One's Cellular Subscription:Not for Those With High Risk of Strokes or Nervous Break-Downs

As Promised,

A RANT ABOUT TRYING TO QUIT A CELL-PHONE PROVIDER;

Okay, last week I think I managed to terminate service with M-Tobile*.

It's only taken me 3 months to get it accomplished, but I think I may have finally succeeded.

Here's the deal;

I had this subscription because I wanted to use one of those Sidekick** dealies for text based only service.  Wanted to be able to access the web, text message buddies,get email... all that, without being stapled to a computer.

Well, the only service I could hook up with was M-Tobile*, and, of course, I had to make a 2-year, carved in  stone, "we get $2million if you terminate early", commitment.

First off, they insist they have coverage for my area.(A BIG deal out here in the rural, and it was a reason I was willing to purchase their service.)

Well.

THEY LIED.

To get service on the Sidekick**, I had to either stand on top of my horse trailer,(and only on days that were windless and the sun was shining brightly, but only after the sun had passed it's zenith, and I had to be facing exactly 29 deg. NNE with my head tilted to an ascension of +5 past the horizon...), or I had to get in my truck and drive to the top of the hill, just around the bend past the big locust tree.

Not much good using the Sidekick** to scan for storms from out in the field in the combine, with these communication issues.

Contacting M-Tobile* about the problem turned out to be entirely futile...."Are you certain that you have it turned on?" "Are you certain you are logged in?" "Are you holding the device at chest level while using it?" "Did you make certain that you have the latest software?" "Did you remember to use the restroom before attempting to connect? Excessive urine in the bladder can sometimes interfere with a connection, you know."     ......and so on, and so on......

So, I decided to tough it out and use it for on-the-road and at-work only activities, and it was sort of fun, but, like many gadgety things, I found I used it less and less and, ultimately, an  excellent wi-fiable laptop came to replace it, and I found that an entire year had passed without using a single M-Tobile* minute.

Well, back in February, I decided to check out when my 2-year contract was up, and get moving on terminating a service that I was paying 30 bux to NOT use.

Have you EVER tried to find when your service contract with a cellular provider ends on their web-site?

You WON'T find it, I SWEAR.

I logged in, I went to my account pages, I went to my billing pages, I went to my service page....ALL that I could find was my credit card info, my cell number, what kind of contract I had,(SKUnlimited), but NOWHERE on that site could I find my service contract expiry date.

So I CALLED M-Tobile*.  

(I can hear your gasps of astonishment at my audacity and I know that many of your faces are twisted in revulsion and horror....)

Yes.

I was bounced around by the "if you want this, press 1, if you want that,press 2, thank-you, please say the name of your second cousin and press in the last 4 digits of your social security number, thank you, please hold....", for roughly 20 minutes.

When I finally got a human, (who had a very thick and unintelligible Hindustani accent and who's name was Ranjeep), 5 more minutes established that I had reached the wrong kind of support, but "bleeez hould vhile I gon-nekt you do thee gorrr-ekt perrsonage"...at which point I was cut off entirely.

I tried again.

This time, I pressed NO buttons and did NOT say anything...and I was given an entirely English-speaking human,(albeit, from Zimbabwe), nearly immediately.***

(Tip in there somewhere)

 

She quickly and efficiently identified that my service contract did not expire until July 24, 2008, and that I could not request termination to occur until one month prior to that date.

So.

I called back in June, June 24th, to be exact, and established,(with Meghan, customer service representative), that my 2 years indeed expired on July 24th.

We established that I was requesting termination of service on that date....

well, OF COURSE, I had to explain why, and after I told her that shinnying up the side of my horse trailer wasn't really good for my degenerative spinal disease,(no, I don't, but I was getting fed up at this point), she agreed to fix it that my service ended on July 24, 2008 and that I would receive one final bill,(since I also canceled the auto-withdrawal from my card), for the remaining month of service.

GUESS WHAT.

Meghan LIED.

In July, I received a paper bill demanding that I pay up the PAST DUE  amount for the past month,(which was supposed to have been debited before canceling auto-withdrawal), and that I also owed them for another month too.

So I called them back.

This time, I spoke with a woman named Keisha.

We went through the whole bill issue, she explained that "Meghan must have cancelled the auto-withdrawal BEFORE the billing cycle", that I could settle the bill completely with a credit card payment over the phone,(which we did), and that,"Thank you for your payment, you should now watch the mail for your final bill.

DEAD SILENCE

"What do you mean, FINAL BILL???" I thought this WAS my final bill!"

"Oh no, you will still receive one more bill for your remaining service coverage."

"But my service was cancelled, FOR THE DATE THE CONTRACT EXPIRED, I don't owe you folks anything."

"Oh, I am sorry, but you are incorrect. Your service contract expiry date was July 21st, but you had it cancelled on July the 24th."

More Dead Silence,Broken Only by the Sound of my Molars Fracturing

"But Meghan, AND the English speaking person from Zimbabwe that I spoke to in February TOLD ME IT WAS JULY TWENTY FOURTH!!! ACK!!!!! "

(BIG deep breath.)

"Okay, HOW MUCH will I owe you for those 3 days of SERVICE THAT I DID NOT USE AT ALL?"

"Just a moment while I access your records, please hold."

(horribly repetitive and static-y pseudo-jazz crap plays over telephone)

"Okay, I have that info for you now...it will be $4.62. I will send you a bill for that and, since you have already paid your balance now via credit card, I will make certain that your credit rating is not effected by late charges, nor will a collection agent be assigned to your case."

(???!!!???)

"Umm...... how about I just pay that $4 and sixty-2 cents now with the same card?"

"Well, certainly, you can do that. Can you please give me your card number?"

(The crackle of my scalp spontaneously bursting into flames is heard.) 

Now.

I am at the waiting stage.

I insisted to Keisha that I will not receive any more bills, but that I WILL receive a receipt and a service termination notice.

That there will be NO collection agents arriving at my door in September, and, if they do, it will be pointless, because I am moving to Rhodesia second week in August for my degenerative spinal disease therapy.

If I DO get a bill......

I am going down to the local NRA outfit and buying a rocket launcher and 3 rounds of ammo for it.

*Name changed to protect me from being sued-if you can't figure out whom that represents, you are stupid and should not be reading this blog, because I'll just laugh at, and make fun of you.

**Name not changed because it probly doesn't matter.

*** I am not particularly ethnocentric about language,particularly.... except for when I am trying to conduct business within a primarily English-speaking country and when said business involves money in any way. I also don't hear all that well, especially when the connection is weird and static-y, so, without meaning anything negative about Ranjeep, I really NEED to have somebody who can do TELECOMMUNICATIONS BUSINESS in a language format that I can understand. 

Why BlogSpot Doesn't Let Me Upload Photos: An Essay by a Person Entirely Disgruntled by Constantly Getting that BXTLPRDribble Error Message....

......that they CLAIM to have Fixed.

They are LIARS.

The ONLY photo that I have been able to upload to this blog is the one that lends it's very high winsome-cuteness quotient to this otherwise sordid and belligerent rant-o-rama of mine.

Every EVERY EVERY other photo upload attempt I have made has failed miserably, I have been greeted by an endlessly spinning "Uploading Please Wait" wheel, followed by that infuriating BXTLPRSPITTLE error box.

I personally think it's about them knowing that I am likely to upload photos of diapers found in parking lots, bicycling buttcracks, and gay nude photos of Bill Gates and a goat.

Or maybe it's that I use a Mac.

 

Whatever it is, I am certain that it is personal and, when I DO figure out how to get a photo in here, THEY'D BETTER LOOK OUT.

Revenge is a bitch.

And I do have nasty diaper photos, BTW.

*anybody wanna bet that if I was willing to subscribe to their photo hosting I'd have no trouble whatsoever? Anybody?

Cone of Silence.

Well, I hope you enjoyed mine.

I just couldn't think of anything NICE to say.

I mean.

How do you feel all NICE about it when you are out there huffing around behind a gasoline-free reel push-mower and then the bastard across the road starts tuning up his DRAG RACER?

Here I am, sweating like a HORSE,(pigs don't sweat, I have this on the authourity of a Pig-Meister from the local 4-H dealie), doing my best to reduce carbon emissions and maybe bring down the cost at the pump...and this asshat blows more petroleum just starting up that stock car than I would use in a month of mowing on my lawn tractor.

His brother, just up the road, is into dragsters too.

It's like living in frucking Hazard County, forchrissakes.

And, yes, many of them have confederate flags in the rear window, for, GOD ONLY KNOWS, whatever reason....I would SWEAR that Ohio is well north of the Mason-Dixon line.....

Anywayz.

Other things this week that I could not say anything nice about, (so I didn't say anything at all);

-We're in a drought over here, 3 weeks with virtually no rain. It's dusty yet humid, STANKASS weather.

So downtown Smallville decides that wasting water from the fire hydrants is The Thing To Do.

Water that some of the farmers, not a mile away, would KILL for.

Water that could have been pumped into tankers and maybe used on a field or two. 

Kudos to the City Works Department.

-Have you checked out the pathetic meezley size of those "Alternative-to-Plastic" shopping bags they offer at the Walmart Store? You can probly fit, like, one quart of milk, 2 apples and a smallish box of Cheezits into one bag. So you would have to buy about FIFTY of them to get your groceries home. 

I bet the handles rip out real easily, too.

-Spent ANOTHER $456 at the vet on horse meds. Don't need to say anything else,yup yup.

-Trying to terminate a cell-phone service contract. It's infuriating. It's nearly impossible.

And an adventure that deserves it's own rant. Stay tuned.

-Yet another used diaper was seen abandoned on the TSC parking lot.

It's the beginning of the end.....

So.

That was what was going on under this cone of silence over here.

There's plenty more....but those were the highlights.

And, in spite of me not saying anything at all,(since I couldn't come up with anything nice), they all behaved quite badly anyway.

So what good is it?????

 

*hmmph!*

WHAT THE FRUCK, MOTHERS??!!??

You, REALLY REALLY REALLY need to explain this one to me:

WHY has it become The Thing To Do, to change baby's diaper in the minivan, and then toss the dirty one out onto the parking lot?

It must be THE THING TO DO...... each of the three parking lots I was on yesterday had a FOULED disposable diaper laying within 10 feet of where I parked/walked/stored my cart in the little cart corral.

I can't imagine how many more there must have been, if I could see one at each stop....

The Walmart store;

My first diaper for the day- I parked, got out of my truck, noticed this amorphous, dark,vaguely moving object on the lot surface about 8 feet from my parking space choice. I couldn't figure out what it was....until a swarm of the flies that were covering the surface flew up into the air,(which explained to me why the surface looked to be moving), and exposed the leaky,ruffly edge of the leg opening enough for me to identify the object visually, and by the smell.

I moved my truck to a different lane.

The Dollar General Store;

Diaper number 2, no flies, just an artistic display of the fact that baby's urinary tract is fully functional and that Mommy is saving on diaper money via the "Mileage Strategy".

The Tractor Supply Company Store;

 C'mon!

The TSC parking lot????

One would think that one would be SAFE from trashy diapers in this parking lot of all parking lots.

Real Men shop here.

Now, let's just say, in the interest of tolerance and Being a Good Sport, that these are examples of Performance Art.(If it's called "Performance Art", you can get away with ANYTHING, ((including starving some dog to death in a gallery corner, or sit,naked, on a stool out on the sidewalk while reading Marcel Proust aloud in a the voice of a sweat-bee)), the worst that will happen is that people will look away in embarrassment, AND one can assign points to the "piece".)

Let's critique these Works On Display....

Mother One receives a great number of merits for her work.

Composition was outstanding, utilizing MULTIPLE elements and mixing media, one of those pieces that had a very high,"I was repulsed but yet I could not look away", factor.

The flies made it for me.

This Mom also gets Bonus Points for GUILT recognition...she knew it was wrong, she new it was ugly. She tossed said Masterpiece onto the lot about as far from the storefront as one can get,(and still say you are on the same lot as the store, I always park out there so nobody can say it was me who rammed the OldFolksShoppingDayTour with my pickup truck and it's just possible that my truck,AND that lady's diaper, aren't actually visible on the security camera at this distance. I hate being watched), and I bet she drove away and parked a rather diplomatic distance away from her obje't de art.

Mother Two receives honourary mention for Working With Limited Resources and takes second for style- the diaper was prominently displayed, with a sort of Bourgeois nonchalance, about 8 feet from the square cement refuse bin on the front walk of the store. She also gets some major Sheer BALLZ points for being willing to display baby's bottom, and her arrogance regarding the litter laws, to the general public, as there is NO WAY that somebody didn't see what she was doing. 

 

The Third Diaper...what can I say?

Ultimate prize winner simply for the social and psychologic message being transmitted by this piece; "No one is safe, we are ALL the parents to our children, it IS a Global Village, TSC needs to have a Maternal Needs Aisle, so suck it up, Boys!" is what this project screams to me.

No more hanging about the TSC lot for a whiff of a purely testosterone laden atmosphere for me.........

THANX MOM!!!!!!

  

 

Stankass!

but, DAMN it is hotandhumid out there!

I got to say.

Maybe that fat guy on the bicycle had a strategy after all.

Why I DON'T have a gun in my glove-box:An Essay by a Marginally Deranged Frequenter of the I-71 Monday Morning Rush Hour Auto-Puckey Tournaments

.
.
.

Because I would USE it.

There would, quite frankly, be dead people scattered all over the freeway.

Somebody named "Barbee",(who is  doing something that looks suspiciously like typing with a cellphone), would decide that the 1/2 car-length space between my front bumper and the rear of the vehicle I was following was roomy enough for her to dart across three lanes,(relatively empty ones), and jam her Hundae into,then, realizing she had gotten really much too close, must now slam on the brakes....

Yes, I admit it, I would flip open the glove box, slide out the old Glock,( I really don't know anything about guns or what kind I would have, but "Glock" sounds really sophisticated and European and smacks of violent panache, so I use it here as my glove-box weapon du jour), release the safety, and magically, there would appear a smoking hole in the back of Barbee's head, the pink MotoRazr2, (with it's half-read text message), would drop from her suddenly lifeless hand, and that Hundae would make an ironically graceful, slo-mo careen off into the left-hand guard-rail as Barbee slumped over onto the cupholder-CD rack console dealie. She would NOT be the wage earning mother of 5 lovely children, there would NOT be any disappointed parents/spouses/boyfriends/girlfriends/platonic friends/emotionally uninvolved boff-buddies/adult singles church groups to suffer her loss, and NO INNOCENT BYSTANDERS WOULD BE INJURED during the perpetration of her fatality. In fact, there would be applause for her demise from other commuters/fellow victims of her self-absorbed and careless driving style.
(And later, we would learn that Barbee had indeed been in the habit of testing her crack-cocaine and Ecstasy for poisons on the next-door neighbour dachshund, "Bootsie", so GOOD RIDDANCE.)

Since there are about 382 such occurrences of the "Barbee Scenario" EVERY Monday morning between 161 and Polaris....well, that's why the remark about dead people all over the freeway. (I thought this might have been an opening for the use of the word "hence", but I blew it with clumsy grammar and awkward phrasing...)
Persons noted to be balancing the daily crossword on the steering wheel while applying eye make-up in the rear-view mirror would be candidates for a good "Glocking".
Middle Management Businessmen who were observed to be crowding other vehicles onto the berm because they were having difficulty shrugging their corpulent, pasty, mole covered shoulders into their last-minute button-down while attempting to shave around the toasted half-bagel protruding from their maw...well they would snuff it, just to be fair to everybody else,(especially their secretaries).
Really Old People,(or anyone, really), who insist on pulling out into the fast lane and then driving at 15mph UNDER the speed limit.....well, you know the drill.

Anybody who drives for more than 2 miles with a turn signal on, BUT NOT TURNING, qualifies to have the offending blinker shot off the back of the vehicle.

And if I start to run out of bullets...I may have to start assigning points, in the interest of conserving lead and high-quality European gunpowder.


This could be more complicated than I thought.....

...but since I DON'T have a gun in the glove-box,
I guess I don't have to worry about it, not just now.
The 71 Northbound Horribly Discourteous Driving Club can remain blithe and perspiration-free.

Notice to Barbee; I may change my mind on this matter, so leave Bootsie alone, if you know what's good for you.
I still have the flame-thrower in the back-seat.

But Al......

...you should be running for Prezident.

You need to get with the real that, unless you are Prez,(or, at least, Vice Prez), these people won't DO OR CHANGE ANYTHING.

You need to have figured out that, just as JFK embracing that moon stuff, AS PREZIDENT, was what it took to get us to the moon, you too need to be in a position of POWER to get your goals realized.

Because I honestly don't think that these lazy morons will do what is needed, (not until it is WAAAAY too late), unless you make it a law.

And the only guy with that kinda clout, the RIGHT NOW TODAY IT'S THE LAW, kinda power is El Prezidente.

I like what you have to say;

http://www.truthout.org/article/gore-says-us-must-abandon-fossil-fuels-2018

(You'll probly have to paste it into the browser as I don't think this frickin' blog engine is being friendly to urls embedded in the text. )

But DUDE.

That's all you got.

Is talk.

p.s.ssst!

I don't think Obama has decided yet.

*winks*

Okay, SOMEBODY NEEDS TO EXPLAIN TO ME....

.......how that honking FAT DUDE on the little bicycle could possibly not know that his buttcrack is on display.

I mean.

C'mon.

That much ass sticking out...he HAD to feel the breeze back there.

While we are glad that he had on a shirt.....COULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN ONE LARGE ENOUGH TO COVER HIS BACKSIDE????

He seemed to have some illusions about what size shorts would fit.

Along with some serious illusions about the size of bicycle and seat would accommodate that butt....crack and all.

Pedaling those sadly flattened tires along the sidewalk, headed for the ice-creme store.

dammit.

Horses with Asthma

Today I spent another 200 bux with the vet.

My horse, you see, has asthma.

In the equine population, it's referred to as "heaves", which is a descriptor for the way a struggling horse breathes when they are having a bronchospastic event.

When a horse goes "heavey", they need to be treated with steroids and bronchodilator medications and antihistimines for whatever allergens may be triggering the disorder.

Didn't used to have this problem.

She used to be healthy, healthy as...well..... a horse.

But the environment is warming up.

The moisture of the region has increased, which has increased the amount of mold that grows, it has increased the amount of pollution saturation that hangs in the lower atmosphere, the heating has allowed the winters to be milder, which allows pollen counts to stay higher for longer.

And then there's the part where my neighbour, this kanky old lady just uphill from me, burns the cheapest damn coal she can buy in the winters. 

The smoke from which drifts downhill to where my barns and pasture are.

On a snowy day, you can walk out behind my barn and see the snow covered with grey and black speckles of coal dust.  

I don't even get why coal burning is still legal, honestly.

Well, yes, I do,(moneymoneymoneymoneymoney), but it's no longer rational.

I mean.

There are HUMANS, CHILDREN, who are spiraling into bad asthma in increasing numbers every year.

Entire USA towns of HUMANS,(and almost the entire population of China, now), who, by virtue of their location adjacent to coal burner power plants, have BAD, DYSFUNCTIONAL asthma.

The Bryant Gumbel show had an episode about it, so it must be true.....

So forget about my horsie for a minute.

And let's just not even consider the possibilities for the many other species that might be affected.

Let's just worry about the HUMANS.

If we even BOTHER to do that much, then, well.....

..............maybe someday my horse won't have asthma any more.

What Walmart Means to Me:An Essay by a Person with a Lower Middle-Class Income

Maybe we should close down the Walmarts so that the two "Mom and Pop" biz'es left in town can survive.....just because Margy Banks, White Woman, (who gets to be a StayathomeMom and is married to a $300,000/year income and can choose where she shops), says so.

Try really hard to forget that, in some towns, on some NDN Rezervations, like, 90% of the employment is the local Walmart store.

Put aside that Walmart allows people that don't have as much CASH as Margy does to still have a few of the things that Margy has.(Of course, maybe that makes Margy fundamentally unhappy or uncomfortable....)

Maybe the Super Walmart allows some folks to feed the kids milk, chicken, and veggies when, otherwise, they would be eating unbrand box macaroni, chips, and pop.

(Maybe I subscribe to the view that there is deliberate financial discrimination/genocide being perpetrated in an effort to keep the monied well fed and comfortable enough that they remain in power, and that the widening gap between the "Haves" and "HaveNots" is a strategy. Maybe Walmart makes that strategy a little harder to realize.)

Maybe Walmart isn't a particularly worse violator of employee rights than many other mercantile corporations. Maybe they are just more targeted.

Maybe the invisible Chinese Child Slavery problem isn't Walmarts fault.

Maybe Walmart hasn't air-dropped Round-up on the unprotected vegetation of South America, claiming it's the War On Drugs,(while wiping out the legit farmers and poisoning the waters), and interestingly coincident with Monsantos desire to market "Roundup Ready"  engineered seed to the farmies down thataway. 

I went to the Walmart store today.

I was able to get two-weeks worth of groceries, HEALTHY food choices, for less than $75.

TOUGH that I don't go to the KrogerStore anymore, not since they did B-Bear outta biz and then jacked up their prices....not since the local Walmart went Super and made a decent price on grapes available.

Since many of those grapes are imports from S. America...... maybe we need to worry more about where the Fed, in partnership with Monsanto, is spewing Roundup and less about closing the Walmart stores on the sayso of good'ol Margy Banks.

Declaration of Intent......

...or of Content, anyway.

I mean.

Maybe we want to know what I am DOING here.

WHY am I blogging?

I've asked myself that.

Well let's try a simple layout, see if there is a plan or a purpose, or a Mission Statement to be found in here somewhere.

1- It seems like the Thing To Do.

I mean evrybody, just EVRYBODY is blogging.

Famous People.

People who didn't USE to be Famous, but are now because of their Blog.

Children, who can't even focus their eyes on the computer screen yet, are being Blogged, their parents are doing the 1st-person-singular "I just puked on my rattle" schtick with them.

2- It's free,(essentially, we could go there about how my internet fees are part of the deal and maybe coal burnt electricity was involved and split a lotta hairs, but let's save that for later), thank you Google. I guess it seems like a fair value for the buck.

3- I have been Doing Writing for years but never really completed the process with much publication,(couple poems here and there), and friends have suggested that I Blog. They say that my quirky mind and Pugnacious Personal View might make good Blog material.

Yah, okay, we'll see.

4- I am curious about what will fall out of my head when I just sit down and Blather. I'm not really "scripted", I am just putting up what happens in here, (fishes out dictionary looking for a good word to sum up the process), Extemporaneously, (HAH! I knew that without the Dictionary!), and push the use of parenthesis about as far as the envelope will allow.

I guess this is a CONVERSATION.

5a- I think that my experience is kind of ,( as in Sort Of ), What The Regular People Are.

I mean, I work for a living,(and then some), I pay a HUMONGO tax burden that benefits Haliburton and the Rich Politicians more than it does me and the other Regular Folks, I am paying rapist-gun-to-my-throat prices to the Petroleum Pigs and gnashing my teeth with knowing full well that the prices don't HAFTO be that high,(c'mon, Trillions profit per quarter, how does that equate with Hafto?), and I watch people who , just by virtue of their outward appearance, have these LUDICROUS incomes, when people who literally save lives for a living, or feed the people, or teach the children, make a mere PITTANCE by comparison. I bet I'm not the only one who thinks the priorities are skewed....

5b)- I think I also have a perspective that is odd enough, edgey enough,(been dying to refer to myself as "edgey", so here it is), unique enough, to make a public blog worthwhile. Entertain somebody. Save somebody from me shooting them during a psychotic, rage-ridden outburst, because this is Therapeutic in some way. MAYBE some Richbitch or PersonInPower will read something I wrote and it will SAVE THE WORLD.

maybe not.

But at least they might get a little bit of a handle on what life is like down here amidst the mud and algae. As they are feeding on us, maybe they will take a look at what they are eating and who it comes from..... A conscience may be sparked somewhere........

yah, right.

6- Just for fun. Shitsandgiggles. It's an experiment. I can put all kinds of my version of Weird, all kinds of my "What ever happened to Common Sense?", maybe some photos that aren't little happysnaps of Kids on Plastic Swingsets, maybe there will be PERSONAL SECRETS EXPOSED HERE FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME.......... maybe I can put all that.

I have no expectations.

Neither should you.

Make no demands, anticipate nothing.

Then you won't be all disappointed if I just get bored with the whole thing, and, like Most Of America........................

just give up and quit.

footnote regarding the use of parenthesis; This is the way my brain works. Deal with it. I often have little "sidebar" comments that pop into my head while I am writing, talking, listening to Prokofiev on the iTunes.......and the vehicle that I've chosen to express that is the hapless parenthesis. I may also, at times, use those little asterisk thingies, or overindulge in the use of commas. I'm not sure, just yet, about how far I will stretch the use of italics and bold-fonting, so I'm not going to address my policy regarding them at this time.

GimmeAMinute, I Gotta Think of Something to Say

Ummmmm.

Yah, it'll come to me.

I just came in here....

and forgot what I wanted to say.

Sleep dep sux, what can I tell ya?

Gotta forgive the first day brainjam, arright?

Tune in t-morrah.