Vacuum Cleaners are CRAP!!!

C'mon.

Be HONEST.

Every single one of you has, at least, one HOSTILE thing to say about your vacuum cleaner.

Every single one of you has, at least once during each cleaning session, something PROFANE gushing loudly forth from your lips,sending any dogs in the vicinity scurrying under the bed. If they weren't under there already.

WHY DO ALL* VACUUM CLEANERS HAVE TO BE CRAP?!??

WHY is it, that the very same vacuum that can suck a chunk of flesh 3 inches in diameter and 1/2 inch deep off of your forehead, will EAT any shoe laces within 5 feet of the rotor brushes, and can lift a 17-pound terrier dog off it's feet by the skin at the nape of it's neck, be COMPLETELY UNABLE TO SUCK UP A FEW SUNFLOWER SEEDS THAT ESCAPED THE BIRD-FEED BIN THIS MORNING??? So that you have to scoop them up with your fingers and feed them to the nozzle yourself....

WHY couldn't the designer have put a handle on there ANYWHERE that might make it easy to heft the damned thing over that throw-rug, so that the mighty rotor brushes,(the same ones that CAN'T suck up 3 sunflower seeds, or, if they do, spit them out the back side of the rotor so that they never make it to the canister and are still scooting about on the kitchen floor, only now in about 2000 smithereens since the rotors shredded them up in passage), don't gobble up that throw rug, resulting in a shrieking mangle that spews the stench of burnt rubber, scares the beJEEBERS out of the dogs,("See? I TOLD you it eats things alive and breathes fire!"), takes you 2 hours and a new rotor belt to fix, and makes you wish you'd never started trying to clean up the birdseed spill in the first place.... WHY no conveniently placed handle, HUH???

That very same designer is clearly an EVIL HELL-SPAWN SWINEWHORE BASTARD.

Have you ever wondered why all vacuums have the power cord right there, where it always is, so that just trying to avoid running over the power cord is a bigger chore than picking up the birdseeds with a tweezer and a straw would have been? And, without that handle, trying to heft the stankass thing over the stankass power cord is a guaranteed hernia someday, absolutely.

We all have these ludicrous, almost ritualized, strategies for managing the power cord;

-Over the shoulder,(risky, it gives that vacuum way too much latitude for taking matters into it's own hands and choking the life out of you...)

-Keeping it wound around the cord brackets with just enough loose to reach things,(never works, it's never enough, just when you've got a good head of vacuum-y momentum going you hit the end of the allowed cord and you get jerked off your feet, only to do a full-body back-slam onto the floor, rupturing every thoracic vertebral disc and dislocating your left shoulder where you had the cord draped....)

-Kicking the cord to the side as you go,(impossibly tricky, as NO ONE has that degree of coordination coupled with the speed required to beat those heinous rotor brushes just racing to make rubberized vermicelli out of the power cord.... you can only manage this cord management strategy for SO LONG before you are destined to trip and end up doing a face-plant onto the vacuum canister itself, leaving you with another nasal fracture and a permanent scar in the shape of "Hoov" backwards on your right cheekbone....)

-Nonchalantly letting things go as they will, allowing gravity and chaos have their way with the cord,(and your emotional stability, your wallet, your very life. The cord WILL be eaten by the rotor brushes, you WILL be electrocuted, and, if you weren't electrocuted, you will be left with a permanently debilitating psychotic disorder and a facial twitch, brought on by the full awareness that your vacuum cleaner is, indeed, OUT TO GET YOU....)

WHY can't the canister,(on a bagless vacuum), be LARGE ENOUGH FOR ME TO CLEAN A 12-FOOT SQUARE CARPET WITHOUT ME HAVING TO EMPTY THE CANISTER AT LEAST 7 TIMES??!!???

I mean.

What's up with THAT?

Yes.

I have 3 dogs.

I'm willing to accept, oh, maybe TWO trips to the bin for canister emptying.

But not SEVEN.

NOT for a 12-foot carpet remnant.

And then, there's the whole,'if there's a carpet thread that sticks out even 4 mm longer than the surrounding carpet, you can kiss the carpet goodbye, as the rotor-dealie will snag on it and proceed to unravel the entire carpet,(winding it, in it's entirety, around the rotor-dealie bar spool thingie),and then catch fire' scenario.

How about that, "I have 15 attachments here, and NONE OF THEM fit this fracking accessory hose!" melt-down you had last week?

Or the bit where, after you emptied the canister for the 6th time, when you switched back on, what you were sucking up was spewing RIGHT BACK OUT through the .01 micron gap that you left when clamping the canister lock back down?

Should I have to wear goggles and a chemical-grade respirator mask to remove the canister from the unit in order to avoid beezors and black-lung disease?

And why are there crannies around and above the "VorNAdo Supersuction" engine that accumulate wads of dog fuzz so that I gave to stick my hands and/or a coat-hanger wire up in there to adequately clean the unit so that it doesn't set off my smoke detector?

I tell ya.

The broom and dust-pan are a satisfactory alternative....

......and I told my vacuum cleaner so.

tthhhpphtttt.

*and I mean ALL. Even the $2359.89 ones. ALL.